“Borrow My Hope”: What Being Trans in Care Taught Me About True Allyship
Editor’s Note: For Trans Awareness Week, Jack – a care-experienced adult – shares his story of growing up trans in care. He reflects on the power of supportive staff, navigating systemic challenges, and why genuine allyship from corporate parents and leaving care teams matters more than ever.
Pardon the Pronouns
Pardon the pronouns, blur the binary and tickle the transes, the week is upon us once again. Time to raise awareness for our fantastic, fabulous, fun community.
I don’t mean to darken the mood, but it feels a very sombre, stressful, scary time to be trans right now.
Do I really want to make you any more aware of me? Or would I rather fly under the radar and live my life discreetly, daringly, determinedly, away from the glaring gaze of people filled with hatred for a group of people who have done absolutely nothing wrong?
Maybe that’s why we need the awareness. Maybe me raising my head above the parapet and saying, loudly, proudly and soundly that “hey, my name is Jack and I am trans and this is my story” may make life that bit better for other trans people.
“It All Came From a Place of Love”
“Conversations were clunky, language was used loosely… but it all came from a place of love.”
I normally like to blast some music when I write, and this song right now is called “If Love could have saved you” and I think that’s really relevant to the trans community, and in particular trans young people right now.
Like the lyrics say, we’re being failed by the system. When I came out as trans, back in the olden days of 2011, the world was a different place. No one really knew what being transgender was, it hadn’t been shortened to ‘trans’ and wasn’t a word that was so heavy from being loaded with controversy, contempt, cruelty, condemnation, coldness and criticism. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a perfect utopia of brilliant bliss of pro trans policies, and what not. But it was certainly better than this!
The Equality Act had only just come in, which back then we all thought meant to include us as a trans community, but because of the recent ish silly so called supreme court decision, apparently not? But then it depends who you ask, because it seems none of us know what on earth is going on legally for us as a community and nor do the bad guys either, as supposedly easy as they make it all sound, ennit.
Balls. I get how hard this gender shizzle is. What is the right language, names, pronouns, conversations, and humour that can be expressed in communication. Its bloody hard. I think it comes down to context and intent. One of my favourite staff members from my time in care, called me Dave, when he was adjusting to my transition. For almost all of my care staff, social workers and wider support network of services, I was the very first transgender person they had ever come across. Like a wild new species, discovered out in the wilderness. RaaaaaaR!
At times, conversations were clunky, language was used loosely, pronouns practiced, awkward answers to questions you never expected to have and lots of laughs because humour is one way I like to express myself.
But it all came from a place of love. Back to the song, ‘if love could have saved you’, for me, it kinda did. I was loved so well, by so many people, me being trans didnt matter. Their love and allyship fuelled me to fight for my rights, both with social services, education, health care including gender identity services, and the wider world. The love I had, led to me one day being able to interview the then Prime Minister, David Cameron, quiz him on his support for the trans community, AND receive a direct apology for forgetting to include us when he said he supported lesbian and gay people.
That’s how powerful love is. It can propel the impossible to not just become possible, but probable.
I don’t wanna depressively, doomily, darkly reel off facts and figures and stats and stories of how bad it is for trans people. I wanna inspire you to go out and be the best bloody buddy to the trans community you can possible be. Allies of the world, Unite!
The Small Acts That Saved Me
“My grandparents getting me Christmas cards that said ‘grandson’ in time for my first Christmas as Jack…”
So lets fill the world with a bit of love and let me tell you all the awesome things the amazing peeps did for me when I came out as trans, supported me with my transition, and love me for me in the here and now, as the man I am today.
My grandparents getting me Christmas cards that said “grandson” in time for my first Christmas as Jack, my kids home staff going out and getting LGBT+ training for the whole house’s team as soon as I came out as trans, my kids home helping me explore the right name for me and nick naming me Gerald for a bit, my kids home company’s top dog manager giving the go ahead after I protested at the school/head office to have my name changed by deed poll and that staff member ringing the top dog manager to get permission and them saying ‘of course!’, for months before that deed poll was signed and sorted still calling me Jack and he/him/his, then when my deed poll was signed changing all my names and pronouns to be accurate in future paper work (those who work with kids in care know there is a LOT of paperwork!)
Helping me get my passport changed to my new legal name and legal gender of male, taking me out clothes shopping when I first came out as trans to get some new male outfits on my first shopping trips as a lad, lots of heart to hearts of deep conversations filled with honesty, complexity and non judgement free to explore who I really am, gender wise and beyond.
Getting me my first binders so I could feel more comfortable with my chesticles. My kids home manager arguing and advocating for me when my local authority’s stupid so called ‘legal’ team didn’t know the law about my transition refusing to call me male or he/him or even my literal legal name of Jack, even accusing me of frauding the home office by getting a male passport! My family members finally accepting me as trans, despite having their faults, finally understanding my needs as a trans young person.
My kids home investing in me as a lad, loving me for me. My next kid home continuing this support and love, with more deep convo’s about life and helping me prepare for adulthood and being a future care leaver. My school changing the timetable with my new name, referring to me as a male, all the kids at the school treating me as jack the lad, with such a welcoming, accepting, inclusive culture, they really brought a new meaning to the word “special” in ‘special education’ as it was a SEN school and I am proud to have attended it, the confidence everyone who was an ally instilled in me, making my best friend for life who’s become like my younger brother and I love to death even if he drives me mad sometimes, making life long friends with other young people and the staff who supported me, making a lasting impact on my favourite staff from my previous placement who had known me pre transition and coming out and were so proud of me for becoming the young lad I was supposed to be, how to this day I’m still in contact with loads of my old care staff members and teaching staff and even took the fav og’s for a meal each this year 15 years since they met me and reignited the fire within me, like I was a burning ember who had once felt the flame of full on love, and they scooped me up, cupped me in their hands and gently breathed life and love and laughter back into me, how they looked after me so fucking well, that I class them as family.
Borrow My Hope Tonight
“Allies of the world, Unite! … We are real, valid, and deserving of care, kindness, and love.”
Words aren’t enough to really communicate this to you and the impact the support had on me. Aged 15, I was on a one way course to become a forensic patient, with only two kids home companies in the whole country willing to take the risk on me and thank fuck my social worker chose the one she did because it helped me have a home, a family and to be loved. Something we want every kid in care to have. Like the early days of me being trans, it wasn’t some utopia where bad things never happened. I’m a realist, nothing in life is perfect but I got given a good hand dealt to me when I was at my most vulnerable, where I was able to come out as trans safely, supported and secure in who I was as a person surrounded by love.
Now, how do I replicate that exact recipe, then scale it up so I can put the whole world onto the right path of love to the trans community, instead of swinging for us whenever they bloody life. If you cant find hope, borrow mine tonight.
Its a lyric from another song I was listening to, but rings true. I may not be able to manufacture and scale up the exact recipe of love I was administered as a trans teen, and a trans young adult, but as a sort of OAP trans person now, I feel it is my duty to speak up, say the uncomfortable, attempting to steer us back to the course we were on, where hope was not a devastating unlikely, some how getting lost along the way.
I dunno how I wanna conclude this, other than saying, please go out and be the ally we need. Make the world a better place for all trans people, but especially for trans young people. We are not a fad, a hype, a fashionable phase. We are real, valid, and deserving of care, kindness and love.
This trans awareness week, maybe it can be a quiet one. Where you read a leaflet, article, chapter or book on something related to being trans. Where you watch a trans campaigners YouTube, Facebook or insta posts. Where you listen to trans podcasters and audio books.
And you see, even though many of us have blue coloured hair, piercings, tattoos and may or may not be named “kai” under all that surface gear, we are: amazing, attentive, awesome, beautiful, bold, bright, caring, comforting, charming, devoted, disciplined, dreamy, effective, elegant, essential, funny, friendly, fabulous, gracious, gentle, genuine, handsome, heartwarming, heroic, intelligent, inquisitive, intriguing, just, jazzy, jesting, kind, kooky, knowledgeable, loving, lovely, loyal, magnificent, majestic and magical, nuanced, needed, noble, objective, outstanding, original, powerful, profound, proud, quaint, quick witted, quintessential, remarkable, royal, resolute, sane (for the most part haha), sharp, super, talented, tactful, tough, ultimate, undeniable, unconditional, vibrant, versatile, vital, warm, witty, wild, (e)xcellent, (e)xquisite, (e)xtraordinary, zesty, zealous, zestful people.
Maybe we should make you aware of all that.
Happy Trans Awareness week!
Want to hear more care-experienced stories? Head over to the Young People’s Benchmarking Forum Hub to explore podcasts, blogs, and insights from our YPBMF champions.